Becoming Echad Blog
Unity and oneness in marriage and between men and women as co-workers in the body of Messiah.
Genesis 3:16: A Prophecy of a Fallen World
Genesis 3:16 tells us what will happen now that sin, or disunity with God, has entered the world.
We’re no longer in unity with the earth from which we were made, so laboring for food will be difficult.
We’re no longer in unity with our own bodies, so laboring to give birth will be difficult.
Husbands and wives are no longer in unity with each other, so the relationship will be broken. She still desires her husband, but he instead will rule over her.
Notice that this is descriptive language, not prescriptive language.
This is a prophecy, not a command or a goal for which to strive. It’s the consequence or result of living in a fallen, sinful world. This verse is in much the same vein as Deut 28. If you disobey and do these things, this is what will happen, as a natural result of living outside of unity with God. This is not what should happen. What should happen is that you live according to God’s laws, are in unity with him, and are blessed.
What Makes a Biblical Marriage?
When people focus too heavily on the spiritual realm, and believe their love and commitment is all that is needed, they often end up unprotected in the physical realm. And when people focus too heavily on the physical realm, and believe that marriage is only about procreation, a legal place to satisfy lust, and upholding the idol of the nuclear family, they miss out on the depths of intimacy and oneness that give us a glimpse of life as it was in the garden.
Favorite Resources
Resources on marriage, healthy sexuality, grief recovery, women in the Bible, and more….
Does 1 Peter 3 Command Wives to Obey Husbands?
What I always come back to when reading the letter is whether or not my understanding lines up with God’s laws. So when people tell me “God commanded wives obey their husbands,” but then can only quote from the letters, I cannot accept that as a doctrine I must live by according to those verses alone. I also cannot accept interpretations that rely almost exclusively on the translation of one or two hotly disputed Greek words. If God didn’t say it, and Messiah didn’t say it, it’s not a command.
However, I do absolutely love Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3. I believe that when read in context, both passages DO uphold God’s laws- namely “Love your neighbor as yourself” and “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
The Biblical Obligation for Men to Provide
The concept of protection and provision can be difficult to discuss without falling back into a mindset of benevolent patriarchy. Benevolent patriarchy is the idea that women are weaker and more in need of protection, therefore kind and loving men should protect and provide for them. Benevolent patriarchs see this not as reducing women’s rights, but upholding their own obligation to work harder, put themselves in more danger, and do more so that women are cared for.
The problem with benevolent patriarchy is that it always comes with at least a modicum of control, and where there is control, there is no longer kindness and lovingness, no matter how beautifully they white wash it.
Review of The Great Sex Rescue by Sheila Wray Gregoire
The internet has been abuzz with discussions of The Great Sex Rescue by Sheila Wray Gregoire and for good reason! Sheila and her team did a survey of 20,000 women and used their results to write about the messages that women receive about sex from the church and how those help or hurt their sex lives.
This is the largest study of it’s kind that’s been conducted and it was held to rigorous academic standards. She’s making the raw data available to other researchers so it can be peer reviewed. This is huge, especially in Christian circles.
She uses that data to debunk what so many of us were taught from purity culture and it’s cousins, and then breaks down what makes great sex.
Great sex is:
Personal
Pleasurable
Pure
Prioritized
Pressure-Free
Puts the Other First
Passionate
Here are a few of my favorite things about each section.
Paul is not God
I’ve been told God commanded…
Wives obey your husbands….
Women be silent…
Women are forbidden from holding positions of authority…
After all, “Paul* made it clear!” they say.
Ok.
If you believe that everything Paul said is a command from God, then you better pucker up:
“Greet one another with a holy kiss.”
You too, men- lips to lips. Let’s do it like the Romans do. 1 Thess 5:26
Should We Still Keep Old Testament Menstruation Laws?
Women often have a lot of shame surrounding their periods, and I understand why as I used to feel the same way. A lot of this shame comes from misunderstanding what being “unclean” in the Bible actually means, and from conflating traditions, commentary from theologians, and misogynistic mindsets with what Scripture actually says.
When this topic has been taught so poorly from the pulpit, it’s totally understandable that women would walk away with this shame filled mindset. But today I’m going to debunk these myths, and look at what Scripture actually says about menstruation and why we should still be keeping menstruation laws.
When You Desire to be One with Your Husband, But You're Just Alone
"When I try to tell him I'm lonely, he just says I'm too emotional and shuts down."
"He does his thing, I do mine."
"I told my husband I don't feel right doing that, but he says he's the head of the home and I'm disrespecting him and God by not doing it."
"I wonder if he'd connect with me more, if he wasn't watching porn."
Sister, if you've ever said any of these things, you're not the only wife to feel this way. Maybe you have close, deep friendships and you desire that connection with your husband, but you've been told that men just don't relate that way. Maybe you think you are the one who is holding the relationship back from going deeper, and wonder how it would feel to connect the way you see other couples connecting. Maybe you're not sure what a relationship would look or feel like without anger, manipulation and control. Maybe you've resigned yourself to living two separate, amicable lives and you find happiness in kids, friends and work, but you kind of wonder if there's still a reason to be married.
All of these scenarios have one thing in common- they lack intimacy, unity and oneness.
Not in the Bible: Spiritual Leader, Head of the Home. Roles...
If you've been around the egalitarian/complementarian discussions for more than a minute, you've probably seen that they're very focused on two concepts- leadership and decision making.
The debate has been framed as a question of unilateral male authority vs. co-leadership, or wife only obedience vs. mutual submission.
So let's look at the Bible and see if any of the words complementarians use are actually there. Just to standardize things and so no one can accuse me of using some modern feminist version, I'm using the KJV, but by all means check the other translations and see what you find. Make sure you check the Greek and Hebrew- sometimes what you find in English, isn't actually there in the original languages.
When Conflict Brings You Closer
As this relationship has challenged, shaped, and freed me, I've gently tested out healthy conflict on other relationships and found out that other generally emotionally healthy people actually want to hear what I have to say, validate my feelings, share their perspective, and allow me to validate them. When the conversation is over, we haven't just solved a practical problem or said some perfunctory apologies for some hurtful words, we've actually each held a piece of the other person's soul, handled it gently and considered it's shapes and textures with wonder.
