"God at the Center of our Marriage" is a Vague Goal
I used to pray in my first marriage, “God help us put you at the center.”
It sounds nice, but it’s a really vague concept. What exactly is different in a marriage where God is at the center? What does God do? What do you do? What does your husband do?
As you read popular marriage materials, you may gather that good decision making seems to be the crux of a godly marriage. Some say the husband should make all the final decisions. Others counter that good decision making is when both spouses use their gifts and skills to work together to make decisions, which is where I landed theologically. No matter what you believe, there’s a tendency to put leadership and who’s doing it at the forefront of the conversation.
So with good mutual decision making as my fuzzy goal, I embarked on finding out how to achieve that. I gathered that the path was to read our Bibles together, pray together and go to church together.
But then I was in a conundrum. My first husband didn’t read his Bible, pray, or go to church, though he professed to be a believer, so how were we supposed to do those things together?
I discovered that he was willing to go along with pretty much anything I proposed so long as I made the plan, made the arrangements, and initiated it.
I accepted that these were my strengths. He had other strengths, and that’s ok, I said.
Even though I had rejected the notion of male-only leadership in my marriage, I had internalized the notion that one person would be the more spiritual of the two. One person would be the first to crack open their Bible to read together, one would be the parent to initiate prayer at the dinner table, and one would primarily influence the beliefs of the family.
I was taught that person was supposed to be the husband, but I studied and found Scripture never actually says that, so I was ok with it being me.
After all, we made decisions well together and he had other strengths, so we were still a team. Right?
But is it really a team effort if only one part of the team is putting in any effort?
I got tired of initiating and asking. Eventually I accepted that I could be grateful that at least my husband didn’t openly opposed what I did, and I read my own Bible, prayed on my own and with the kids, and went to whatever home fellowships or congregations I felt led to attend. He was invited and sometimes he came, but I didn’t push. That was my married life for many years until we divorced.
With my second husband, Daniel, when he and I were courting, we talked about God being in the center of our relationship and something hit us about this formula we’d heard...
Read your Bible together, pray together, go to church together, and then God will guide your marriage...
THIS IS ALL BACKWARDS.
YOU as an individual need to have a your own relationship with God that creates a desire for connection with him and community with other believers. If you each read your Bibles on your own, you will read your Bible together. If you each pray on your own, you’ll pray together. If you each gather with other believers on your own, you’ll gather with them together.
We found as we headed down that path together that good decision making is not the end goal (though it’s a great side benefit). For all the talk in churches about decision making, leading, submitting and who should be doing what…. The Bible is silent on decision making in marriage. There’s not one verse about the God-ordained decision making process for couples.
When you both have an individual walk with God, you just may find that marriage is about doing better Kingdom work together than you can do separately. It’s a special sort of iron sharpening iron, and growing together so that you can best use the gifts God has given you. It’s a spiritual and emotional intimacy with God and with each other that deepens every day. And it’s so very different from being the only one in the marriage doing it!
“God at the Center of our Marriage,” is a terribly vague goal, and it cannot be achieved by reading your Bible, praying or going to church together if those are treated like ingredients in a formula, however relationship and love (with God and each other) does lead to action. Good fruit looks like obedience to God’s commands, healing past trauma, and treating each other well.
Read your Bible because you want to learn and grow, and to be challenged and comforted.
Pray to commune with your Creator, to praise and supplicate and ask how to be his hands and feet on earth.
Gather with a community of believers to be encouraged, exhorted, and to support and be supported.
There is no formula, but if God is in you and with you and you’re walking with him, and if your spouse is as well, you’ll naturally have a relationship with God together. Focus on relationship first and the rest will flow.
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If you’re not yet married, I pray this gives you hope that a spiritual intimacy with your future spouse is possible, and I pray that you find someone who already has that relationship with God prior to their relationship with you.
If you’re married right now to someone who does not have their own relationship with God, you might be trying to decide whether to stay or to go. It’s hard and it’s painful, but God will walk through it with you and finding a community of believers who understands can help.
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