The Biblical Obligation for Men to Provide
In Exodus 21:10 God establishes that husbands have a duty to provide food, clothing and sex to their wives. This verse was actually written regarding second wives and the ancient rabbis assumed it was implied that even more so these rights should apply to first wives. While women are often told they have a duty to give their husbands sex, this is never said in the Bible. Instead, the duty was the husband’s, which the Israelites outlined in a legal document called a ketubah based on this verse. If the husband failed to uphold this duty, the wife could be granted a divorce. A man with more than one wife was required to fulfill his duty to both. We see this play out with Rachel and Leah, who negotiate who would sleep with Jacob that night.
Now of course, men can be tired, sore or not in the mood and no one should feel obligated to have sex. We must apply the higher law of love- do unto others as you would have them do unto you- and wives should not pressure husbands either. But this passage stands in stark contrast to the many books, blogs and sermons that send the message to wives that sex is their duty. Never in the Bible do we see an instance of a godly husband pressuring or expecting sex from his wife, nor is there any command from God to women that they must have sex.
Sex should be a deep intimate knowing of one another. It should flow naturally from spiritual and emotional intimacy. This law leveled the playing field, taking the sinful, patriarchal notion that wives are obligated to have sex and turning it on it’s head making sex the husband’s obligation. But we must remember that is simply the legal standard for divorce and only addresses what could be upheld in a court of law- how often did he offer her sex? Did he provide her with children? Was his sexual neglect part of a larger pattern of neglect of the marriage? However sex isn’t really sex unless it’s a mutual expression of love and mutually pleasurable. This cannot and should never be a duty for either of them, but must flow naturally from the intimacy already present in the relationship.
God also established laws to grow this intimacy in the first year of marriage. Deut 24:5 states that a man shall be exempt from military service so he can focus on home and “give happiness to the woman he married.” His focus is to be on her as a person and knowing what makes her happy. Notice there is no similar command to the wife to devote herself to her marriage or home, which is in stark contrast to patriarchal teachings that this is the role of women. However, clearly in the spirit of loving others as you would have them love yourself, the wife should seek to enhance her husband’s happiness as well.
The provision for food and clothing is an acknowledgement of the reality of living in a fallen world, that women in an agricultural society may have a more difficult time providing for themselves especially if they are bearing many children. Under patriarchy, this law is often used to limit women by saying that because it is the man’s job to provide, women should not be allowed to work. This is a very industrial age, western mindset where we think of work as the 9-5 job outside the home. In Biblical times, and even today in agricultural societies around the world, work includes all of the activities that make a household run- providing ingredients and cooking food, purchasing or spinning cloth and sewing it into clothes, putting a roof over the family’s heads and making that space feel like a cozy home, and caring for children. The home is often the place of business, whether that’s growing crops or making something to sell.
The Bible does not separate any of these activities as male or female responsibilities. It simply provides a protection for wives in a patriarchal world. Husbands cannot leave their wives stranded, homeless and naked, while he uses his male power and privilege to play hooky on his responsibilities. However, as we see in Proverbs 31 and other verses, women most certainly can and do provide materially for their households, and men can provide equally valuable care of the home and children.
These laws were designed for the protection and provision of women who had less ability to protect themselves because of living in a fallen patriarchal world, but these laws do not limit women’s ability to protect or provide for themselves.
The concept of protection and provision can be difficult to discuss without falling back into a mindset of benevolent patriarchy. Benevolent patriarchy is the idea that women are weaker and more in need of protection, therefore kind and loving men should protect and provide for them. Benevolent patriarchs see this not as reducing women’s rights, but upholding their own obligation to work harder, put themselves in more danger, and do more so that women are cared for.
The problem with benevolent patriarchy is that it always comes with at least a modicum of control, and where there is control, there is no longer kindness and lovingness, no matter how beautifully they white wash it.
God’s laws acknowledge the reality of living in a sinful, patriarchal world. Women were often unable to support themselves in an agricultural society, so he set up provisions of support. A woman making a vow may be more dependent on the resources of her husband or father to actually fulfill that vow. Women are more likely to be taken advantage of sexually. Wives are more likely to suffer financially in a divorce, and certainly if the husband abandons her with no legal protections of marriage. Traditional women’s work- cooking, cleaning, emotional labor- as well as the work that biologically only women can do- pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding- are not considered to be of equal valuable contributions to society as traditional men’s work.
You may object that these things are no longer the case in our society and that men can be victims of any of these things too, and to some extent you’d be correct. To whatever level these problems have been resolved, it is because of egalitarianism, not patriarchy. And to whatever extent men can be victims of these problems as well, it is God’s egalitarian laws that protect them. For example, the requirement to provide for the widow, also included providing for the poor of either gender. No command forbids a wealthy woman from providing for a poor man. We also see the example of women financially supporting the ministry of the Messiah. (Luke 8:3)
The key is to acknowledge that all of these problems (financial disadvantages, sexual exploitation) exist because of sins like power, greed, and lust. More sin in the form of patriarchal control, is not the thing that gets us out of these problems. Patriarchy never solves these problems. It only perpetuates them to maintain control, tells women they can trade their liberty for their safety. It uses the existence of the problems it creates to bolster egos about protecting women from these very problems while still harming women.
We can acknowledge the reality of the weaker and more vulnerable position women are often in as a result of living in the fallen world, while simultaneously appreciating the laws God put in place to mitigate these realities, and noticing that none of his laws limited or controlled women from other means of protecting and providing for themselves. In fact, most of these laws are directed at men to provide and protect, but made no requirement of women to accept the protection and provision if they had other means available, which God also provided.
God’s laws never change, so where these situations are a reality, his laws preside. But also, he’s given us ingenuity, creativity and ultimately the law of love. If anyone uses any of these laws to put a woman in a position in which they themselves would not want to be in, they are using the law incorrectly and not fulfilling the law. Women have never been safe under patriarchy, but they are safe under God’s laws IF men refrain from controlling and limiting women in the application of these laws because by doing so, they violate the law itself.
The laws regarding marriage were put in place as legal protections, but also to ultimately point the couple back to the unity God intended for them at creation. God’s laws give women a voice and agency in the marriage, and require men to sacrifice their worldly power. These are the very bare bones physical basics that set the foundation for the couple to experience the joys of a spiritually, emotionally, and physically intimate union.
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