Does 1 Peter 3 Command Wives to Obey Husbands?
I often say to people that “God never commanded women to obey their husbands,” and people usually respond with either Genesis 3:16, Ephesians 5 or 1 Peter 3. This post will cover 1 Peter 3, but let’s start at the definition of a command from God.
God laid out his commands in the Torah- the first 5 books of the Bible. They are usually prefaced with “God said to Moses, say to the children of Israel….” and we trust that what Moses wrote down was true and accurate as coming directly from the mouth of God.
Messiah, being God himself, could also issue commands. He properly interpreted the commands in Torah and used wording that gave us a fuller picture and greater understanding of God’s laws.
The rest of the Bible is absolutely valuable for what it claims to be- history, poetry, songs, letters, prophecy- and I treat it with much honor and respect. They letters in the New Testament are one side of a conversation between the author (Paul, Peter, etc) and various congregations. These letters are beautiful encouragement, valuable exhortation, and excellent insight into the specific challenges that each congregation had as they navigated accepting the Jewish Messiah, integrating gentile believers, and dealing with the myriad of different cultural and pagan practices surrounding them as well as Roman rule and extra-Biblical Jewish laws. For the most accurate picture, we must take all of this into account when reading these letters. .
What I always come back to when reading the letter is whether or not my understanding lines up with God’s laws. So when people tell me “God commanded wives obey their husbands,” but then can only quote from the letters, I cannot accept that as a doctrine I must live by according to those verses alone. I also cannot accept interpretations that rely almost exclusively on the translation of one or two hotly disputed Greek words. If God didn’t say it, and Messiah didn’t say it, it’s not a command.
However, I do absolutely love Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3. I believe that when read in context, both passages DO uphold God’s laws- namely “Love your neighbor as yourself” and “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
We can’t all possibly be Greek scholars or historians, and sometimes they offer conflicting information. This can scare people and makes phrases like “incorrect translation” seem like we’re trying to find whatever translation best suits our existing beliefs. While that is not the case, and I have spent over a decade intensely studying this topic to find the truth and nothing more, I understand the fear. For that reason, I have used the KJV almost exclusively in this post. There are footnotes for those interested in other possible translations.
Claim: 1 Peter 3 instructs wives to obey their husbands.
The Greek word translated as “in subjection” in 1 Peter 3:1 is hypotassō.* It’s the same word used in Ephesians 5:21 which tells believers to submit yourselves to one another.
You can find a variety of other translations for this word, but I want to start here- whatever it means, whatever wives are being told to do in relation to their husbands is the same thing husbands are told to do in relation to all other believers.
If hypotassō means to unquestioningly obey all orders, then men must unquestioningly obey all orders from ever other believer- including their wives. This is, obviously, absurd in practicality as well invites a host of moral dilemmas. If hypotassō means to voluntarily submit to another as long as what the other is asking is right and good, then men must also voluntarily submit themselves to every other believer as long as what the other believe is asking is right and good- including their wives. .
We cannot base an entire doctrine on the meaning of one word. We also need to look at the context of these verses.
Looking back at chapter 2, we read that we are a holy priesthood, a people who have obtained mercy, and as the gentiles see your good works and your abstaining from fleshly lusts, God is glorified (verses 9-12). 1 Peter 2:21-25 tells us to be like Messiah- guiltless before our accusers. And he shows us what that looks like as we navigate the exhortation to hypotassō the government and hypotassō earthly masters.
Peter then moves on to addressing wives. He starts by saying “likewise.” In other words, the things he just said above to others, apply to you as well. Wives, you are a holy priesthood, a people who have obtained mercy, and as the gentiles see your good works and your abstaining from fleshly lusts, God is glorified. Wives, be like Messiah- guiltless before your accusers.
He speaks to wives who have unbelieving husbands and says that the husband may be won over by their wife's chaste conversations, and to have a meek and quiet spirit.** Why? So your husband will have nothing to use as an accusation against you.
Then Peter says that Sarah hypakouō*** Abraham. Again, there are other translations for this word, but let’s start here- if you actually read the story of Abraham and Sarah, you’ll find the only place in the whole Bible where God directly commands one spouse to obey the other. He tells Abraham to “shema” Sarah.(Gen 21:12) Shema is the Hebrew word for hear, understand and obey. Peter appears to believe this relationship was built on their ability to mutually shema. Another way to say that is making mutually agreeable decisions in unity with God’s will.
Next Peter claims that Sarah calls her husband “lord.” She says this one time- when she is laughing about how she could possibly have a child at her age with her old husband. She prefaces calling him old by saying “my lord.” Genesis 18:12
So yes, be like Sarah. If you need to say something the old man might have a hard time hearing, treat him with honor, especially with your unbelieving husband who is waiting to see if this crazy Messiah religious kick you’re on bears any good fruit. Also, expect that like Sarah, if you are seeking God’s will and you make a move, a righteous man will go to God and God will back you up.
Now Peter addresses husbands and begins again with “likewise.” In other words, the things he just said above to others, apply to you as well. Husbands, you are a holy priesthood, a people who have obtained mercy, and as the gentiles see your good works and your abstaining from fleshly lusts, God is glorified. Husbands, be like Messiah- guiltless before your accusers.
Husbands who have unbelieving wives should know that their wives maybe be won over by the husband’s chaste conversations, and so the husbands should have a meek and quiet spirit. Why? So your wife will have nothing to use as an accusation against you. (Should men have a meek and quiet spirit? Please see Num 12:3, Mat 5:5, Mat 11:29 and the 13 other verses about meekness as a trait of all believers).
Then he tells husbands to give honor to their wives. The phrase “as the weaker vessel” has been used in the church to dishonor women- to limit the ways in which they can serve, to put them down and to oppress them. And again, we can debate over the meaning of a single word, but at the end of the day, the verse isn’t about the woman. The verse is about what the man is supposed to do- honor his wife, *as heirs together,*- equal recipients in our inheritance from God. And what happens if they don’t? Their prayers will be hindered. If you do not honor your wife, God will not even hear you, just like he doesn’t hear the evil doers in verse 12.
Then Peter gets to the crux of ALL of this instruction- Be of one mind! Have compassion for each other, love each other, not rendering evil for evil. Why? Because those who speak evil of you should have nothing legit to make any accusations about because you’ve acted honorably. Whether that’s your master, your government, your husband or your wife, if you act righteously, all they can do is make false accusations and you stand blameless.
Show the fruits of the Spirit and be a good example of the gospel. This passage is a beautiful exhortation to believing spouses to treat their unbelieving spouses with the love of Messiah, and not to do harm to the message of the gospel in the eyes of their unbelieving spouses by acting in ways that do not reflect the fruits of the Spirit.
I can’t close this post without noting that this passage has been used as a weapon against women to tell them they have to stay in abusive marriages. If you have been told, “But when you do good and suffer, if you take it patiently, this is commendable before God” or “because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that you should follow his steps,” and these verses were thrown at you to convince you not to speak up against your husband hurting you- emotionally, sexually, financially or physically- please keep reading.
1 Peter 2:23 says that when Messiah suffered “he threatened not.” 3:9-10 says not to render evil for evil, refrain our tongues from evil, and to speak no guile. This does NOT mean we cannot protect ourselves. It means not to do evil or get revenge. Instead as verse 11 says, eschew evil, and do good, seek peace and ensue it. It is not evil to leave in order to seek peace. It is not evil to set boundaries.
1 Peter lays out *one* facet of being a godly wife: that is treating your unbelieving husband in a way that is a good example of the gospel. However, God established in the very beginning that the wife is the ezer kenegdo- the Helper who Opposes. The ancient rabbis said, if the husband is worthy, she will help him and if he is unworthy, she will oppose him. Opposing him in his unrighteousness is part of the primary job description of a wife.
This passage in Peter assumes that your unbelieving husband is treating you well and content to live with you. So don’t leave him over your differences in beliefs. He may even come to know Messiah through you. But if that is not the case and your husband, believer or not, has broken his vows to love, honor and cherish, then he has already ended the marriage covenant. The rest is paperwork.
Of course this all applies to husbands in an abusive situations as well.
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*According to Greek scholar Dr. A Nyland, hupatasso mean “to be attached to” and “to be in support of.” It was used commonly in the Greek postal service with the meaning “append,” “stick” or “attache below.” Gen 2:24 says a man is to cleave to his wife. Peter says a wife is to in turn attach to her husband. What a beautiful picture of mutuality and unity.
**The Source New Testament translates 1 Peter 3:1 as follows: “The same goes for you wives. Support your own husbands, so that the ones who disobey the Word, may be gained without the Word, when they are eyewitnesses to the way of life of their wives, wives filled with the sacred awe of God.”
***Dr. A Nyland cites multiple instances of the Greek word hypakouō having the meaning of “pay attention” and translates vs. 6 as “in the way that Sarah paid attention to Abraham.”
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